Dr. Wieland Schwinger 

Fun / Philosophics

Most of the stuff found here is not generated by myself. I hope the jokes will be taken with good humour. Persons or companies joked about will be kindely asked to see the jokes as part of their public life.
Have fun!

Realitiy is for those who can't face Science Fiction.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spent money, as well as afterwards.

Don't get suckered in by the comments - they can be terribly misleading. 
Debug only code.
					-- Dave Storer

What principle should software buyers learn from
the designers of digital circuits? --- As few Gates as possible.
						A joke

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Finagle's Second Law:
	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
	someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
	believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

On way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always 
polite to traffic cops.

Yes, but which self do you want to be?

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, 
unless your party is very successful in which case 
they will lob tear gas through you living room window.

There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it 
will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable."
There is another theory that state: "This has already happened .... "
			-- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"

Fertility is hereditary:
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.

Justice is incidental to law and order.
			-- J. Edgar Hoover

"Internets styrka ar kaos. Far att friheten som garanteras i forsta tillagget i 
forfattningen ska kunna garanteras maste det kaos som rader pa internet skyddas"
				-- USA-domstol 

"Time allways wins"

"Only the foolish are abselutely sure. - And the knowing keep asking

"To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer"

"Be aware of Maxwell's silver hammer - never turn the back to someone"

Horses have two rear legs and two forelegs. That's six legs and that is an 
odd number for hourses. The only number which is even and odd att the same 
time is infinity. Therefor have horses an infinite number of legs.

"Live like you would die tomorrow
 Farm like you would live forever"

"You hit the road Jack .... you never come back"

"In the long run we are all dead"
			-- John Maynard Keynes

Top Signs of Net Addiction

  1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your
     e-mail on the way back to bed.

  2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
     Navigator 1.1 or higher."

  3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

  4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you
     just pulled the plug on a loved one.

  5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and
     your child in the overhead compartment.

  6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
     the free Internet access.

  7. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.

  8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

  9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You
     start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's
     access number.  You try to hum to communicate with the modem.  And
     you succeed.

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends on a good deal on where you want to go," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where--" said Alice. 
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long 
				-- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland 

"Some people dream of doing great things...
 the rest of us just stay awake and get on with it"

The more things change, the more the stay insane.

Beware of Programmes who carry screwdrivers.
				-- Leonard Brandwein

Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
				-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"

Pig, n.:
	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.

"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime."
		-- Thomas Aldrich

Pardo's First Postulate:
	Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
	Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
		-- Dean Martin

/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
	Celibacy is not hereditary.

Ducharm's Axiom:
	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
	yourself as part of the problem.

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
		-- Calvin Coolidge

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment.  Due to the clouds and haze,
the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.  The pilot's
sign said  "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.  Their sign said

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.  After they were on the
ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the  "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."
		-- An obviously true story

You can't leave (life) without a farewell party.
				-- old drinkers saying

Upgrades are not simple

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0
and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must
be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it,
Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend4.0...

 - A "Don't remind me again" button

 - Minimize button
 - Shutdown feature
 - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same i/o port and conflicted.  Then I tried to uninstall
girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.  I tried to
uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.  Another
thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it
is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold
plated contacts.

*****  BUG WARNING  *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient resources.

The only true freedom is freedom from the heart's desires
& the only true happiness this way lies.
             -- Matt Johnson

a bus station is where a bus stops
a train station is where a train stops
on my desk I have a workstation ...


1. You don't care no longer about everything being twice
   as expensive as at home.

2. You wake up and you have to go straight to the next party.

3. Your idea of unforgivable behavior now includes walking
   across the street when the light is red and there is no WALK
   symbol, even though there are no cars in sight.

4. You no longer manage to party five out of seven days a week.

5. You know how to order starkoel under whatever circumstances

6. The reason you take the ferry to wherever is:
   duty free vodka
   duty free beer
   duty free whatever alcoholic drink
   to party hearty... no need to get off the boat at the destination,
   just turn around and do it again on the way back to Sweden.

7. The reason to go to Kopenham is:
   cheap beer
   cheap wine
   cheap vodka.

8. You do no longer feel offended by people starting conversations
   with "Hej!".

9. You can imagine that Swedes can understand each other though
   they speak Swedish to each other.

10. You stop turning your head for beautiful blonde babes.

11. Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.

12. You know what tea-drinking really means.

13. You ask the girls straight to go to bed and don't bother with
    talking about tea-drinking.

14. You don't feel disturbed by cell-phones ringing in lectures.

15. You know when there is no queue in front of Systembolaget.

16. You start eating fish more than once a month.

17. You know all the people on your corridor.

18. You start to have breakfast after 12:00 p.m.

19. You got the feeling that the sun never disappears.
    It's still above the horizon when you go out and it is already
    again there when you come back home.

20. You have become so law-abiding that you turn on the lights
    of your bike at night.

21. You turn on the lights of your car during daytime automatically

22. You don't forget to turn off the lights of your car during
    daytime when leaving your car 9 out of 10 times.

23. You think plus 5 degrees is warm enough to sit outside in
    a cafe and have an ice-cream.

24. You realize that Swedish business is not just made up of Volvo,
    Ericsson, IKEA and TetraPak.

25. You are desperately awaiting friends from at home to come to
    replenish your low stock on beer and wine.

Rules for Bedroom Golf

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play... normally, one
   or two balls and a club.

2. Play must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole, while
   getting the balls as close to the hole without actually going in.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course
   owners are permitted to  check the shaft for stiffness before
   play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to
   avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
   the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.  Failure to do so
   may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing a hole immediately upon
   arrival at the course.  An experienced player will normally take
   time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the
   well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played.
   Upset course owners have  been known to damage a player's equipment
   for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear at all times.

10.When a new course is being played, players should assure themselves
   that their match is  properly scheduled.  Other players have been
   known to become irate when they discover some one else is playing
   what they consider a private course.

11.Players should not assume a course is ready for play at all times.
   Some players may be  embarrassed if they find the course is
   temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be  extremely
   tactful in this situation.  More advanced players will find
   alternate means of play when this is the case.

12.Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission prior to
   attempting the back nine.

13.Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to
   speed up play at the owner's  request.

14.It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
   the same hole several times in  one match.

15.The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.

 1.  Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger is involved.
 2.  Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
     They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
 3.  If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
     few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.  Most
     of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
 4.  Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
     usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
 5.  Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.  In a world
     where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
 6.  Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident that when
     he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he
     can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players
     from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get
     off the phone in case they call him.
 7.  If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
     play-off season.
 8.  Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes them feel important.
 9.  Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.  Not
     being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10.  All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11.  The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can
     ever care about anyone else.
12.  Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.  They can learn
     in private; in public they have to know.
13.  Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14.  All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one under my
     pillow, instead of a gun.
15.  A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.  These men usually
     have jobs and bathe.
16.  Men love watches with multiple functions.  My husband has one that is
     a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17.  All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."  These
     seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18.  Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man has built a fire and the
     last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19.  Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to
     get a bikini wax.
20.  All men think that they're nice guys.  Some of them are not.  Contact
     me for a list of names.
21.  Men don't get cellulite.  God might just be a man.
22.  Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.  Women have two types:
     depressing and more depressing.  Men have two types: nerdy and not
23.  Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
     in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
     heaters that snore.
24.  Women take clothing much more seriously than men.  I've never seen a
     man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
     out of here.  There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25.  Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's department is usually on
     the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26.  If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
     types of lettuce, he is serious.
27.  If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
     got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in
     for a nasty surprise.  The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
     cocoons and butterflies.
28.  Men own basketball teams.  Every year cheerleaders' outfits get
     and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29.  No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is on record
     saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30.  When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31.  When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32.  Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33.  Men are less sentimental than women.  No man has ever seen the movie
     THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34.  Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?  Am I emotionally and
     creatively fulfilled?"  Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?
     How's my car?"
35.  If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...
     he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to
     call you.
36.  Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I asked him,
     "Are we going to have sex again?"  He said, "Yes, but not with each
37.  Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it
     out of sight of women.
38.  Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
     "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a
     challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
     you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes
     they leave skid marks.
39.  Men accept compliments much better than women do.  Example: "Mitch,
     you look great."  Mitch:"Thanks."  On the other side:"Ruth, you look
     great." Ruth: "I do?  Must be the lighting."
40.  Impulse buying is not macho.  Men rarely call the Home Shopping
41.  Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42.  Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for
     a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43.  Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
     their clothes all button and zip in the front.  Women's dresses
     button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but
     we also need men to help us get dressed.
44.  Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
     Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with
45.  When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
     will assume she has gained weight.  When a man tries something from
     his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46.  Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.  With female
     menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.  Male menopause - you
     get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47.  Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48.  That's why men need instant replays in sports.  They've already
     forgotten what happened.
49.  Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50.  All men would still really like to own a train set.

In response to the popular "Woman's 50 Rules for Men",
John Calvit has designed the "Man's 25 Rules for Women":

   1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
   2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
   3. Don't make us guess.
   4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
      expect an answer you don't want to hear.
   5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
   6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
   7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different,
      it's just like every other cat.
   8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
   9. Sunday = Sports.
      It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
   10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
   11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
   12. You have enough clothes.
   13. You have too many shoes.
   14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to 
       like it.
   15. Your brother is an idiot.
   16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
   17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will Mark 
   18. Share the bathroom.
   19. Share the closet.
   20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
   21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
   22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
   23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
   24. Check your oil.
   25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Take them easy.
There are only one MACHO's joke about women, the other are TRUE.!!

HAMLET  To be, or not to be: that is the question:
        Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
        The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
        Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
        And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

"'Pathological Users:' Hooked on the Web?" By E. J. Mundell

The results of that survey were presented during the annual
convention of the American Psychiatric Association (APA), held
this week in Chicago.

Young says eight other behavioral indicators may point to
"pathological Internet use." They are

-- feeling preoccupied with the Internet (thinking about it
   when offline).

-- feeling a need to use the Internet with increasing
   amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction.

-- feeling restless or irritable when attempting to restrict
   Internet usage.

-- lying to loved ones as to time spent on the Internet.

-- placing other concerns (such as job, relationships, or
   education) in jeopardy because of excess Internet use.

-- having little control over excessive spending tied to
   Internet use.

-- going through "Internet withdrawal" when not online.

-- remaining online much longer than originally intended.

Young says anyone checking 'yes' to at least four of her ten
indicators could be a pathological web user.

Q: When do you know you have a distributed system?
A: You know you have one when the crash of a computer 
   you've never heard of stops you from getting any 
   work done.
				-- Leslie Lamport

Information is information, not matter, not energy
				-- Norbert Wiener

The Ouick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog.

Gurkan hoppar over stock in i steakpannan.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
		-- Paul Gauguin

"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving."
		-- Steven Wright

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
	not very nice.

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
		-- Milton Friedman

Schapiro's Explanation:
	The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
because they use more manure.

Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.

This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them.  Induction
techniques are very popular, even the military used them.

SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.

	We know it's true for _n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true
for every natural number less than _n.  _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
as large as we want.  If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n.  We
can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
about _n.
	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")

Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
		-- Ogden Nash

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
physical world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
		-- Vannevar Bush

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted.
		-- Thomas B. Reed

Interpreter, n.:
	One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station."

How doth the VAX's C compiler
Improve its object code.
And even as we speak does it
Increase the system load.

How patiently it seems to run
And spit out error flags,
While users, with frustration, all
Tear their clothes to rags.

Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it."
                -- Donald Knuth

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
                -- Jim Samuels

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.

Committee, n.:
        A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
decide that nothing can be done.
                -- Fred Allen

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
                -- Herbert Prochnow

Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?

I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!

"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
                -- William F. Buckley

All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.
                -- Francois Fenelon

Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.

Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
pie.  Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
meat from his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
"Foolish bird!  You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
the recipe?"

Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
                -- Mark B. Cohen

Spouse, n.:
        Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Arthur's Laws of Love:
        (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
            remind them of someone else.
        (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
            delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
            yourself in person.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
                -- Mark Twain

"I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
                -- George Bernard Shaw

"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."

Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
                -- H. L. Mencken

"To attain knowledge add things every day
 To attain wisdom remove things every day."
		-- Lao-Tzu om Tao Te Ching

"Times flies like an arrow
 fruit flies like a banana."
		-- Croucho Marx

"Is there intelligent life on earth"
		-- Frank Drake

"Where is the knowledge we have lost in Information?"
		-- T. S. Elliot

"Exhilaration is that feeling 
you get after a great idea hits you 
and just before you realize 
what's wrong with it."

"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
 then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives."

Wie fange ich einen Elefanten? .... unfortunately only in German :-(

 Mathematiker jagen Elefanten, indem sie nach Afrika gehen, alles entfernen,
 was nicht Elefant ist und ein Element der Restmenge fangen.

 Erfahrene Mathematiker werden zunaechst versuchen, die Existenz mindestens
 eines eindeutigen Elefanten zu beweisen, bevor sie mit Schritt 1 als
 untergeordneter =DCbungsaufgabe fortfahren.

 Mathematikprofessoren beweisen die Existenz mindestens eines eindeutigen
 Elefanten und  berlassen dann das Aufsp=FCren und Einfangen eines
 tatsaechlichen Elefanten ihren Studenten.

 Informatiker jagen Elefanten, indem sie Algorithmus A ausfuehren:
 1.   gehe nach Afrika;
 2.   beginne am Kap der Guten Hoffnung;
 3.   durchkreuze Afrika von S=FCden nach Norden bidirektional in
 4.   fuer jedes Durchkreuzen tue:
      a)   fange jedes Tier, das du siehst;
      b)   vergleiche jedes gefangene Tier mit einem als Elefanten
		bekannten Tier;
      c)   halte an bei =DCbereinstimmung

 Erfahrene Programmierer veraendern Algorithmus A, indem sie ei als Elefant
 bekanntes Tier in Kairo plazieren, damit das Programm in jedem Fall
 korrekt beendet wird.

 Assembler-Programmierer bevorzugen die Ausfuehrung von Algorithmus  auf
 Haenden und Knien.

 SQL-Programmierer verwenden folgenden Ausdruck:
 SELECT Elefant FROM Africa

 4-GL-Programmierer lassen sich von INFORMIX einen Elefanten bringen.

 Ingenieure jagen Elefanten, indem sie nach Afrika gehen, jedes graue Tier
 fangen, das ihnen  ber den Weg l=E4uft, und es als Elefant nehmen, wenn
 das Gewicht nicht mehr als 15% von dem eines vorher gefangenen Elefanten

 Wirtschaftswissenschaftler jagen keine Elefanten. Aber sie sind fest
 davon ueberzeugt, dass Elefanten sich selber jagen, wenn man ihnen nur 
 genug dafuer bezahlt.

 Statistiker jagen das erste Tier, das sie sehen, n-mal und nennen es

 Unternehmensberater jagen keine Elefanten. Und viele haben Ueberhaupt
 noch nie etwas gejagt. Aber man kann sie stundenweise engagieren, um sich
 gute Ratschlaege geben zu lassen.

 Systemanalytiker waeren theoretisch in der Lage, die Korrelation
 zwischen Hutgroesse und Trefferquote bei der Elefantenjagd zu bestimmen, 
 wenn ihnen nur jemand sagen wuerde, was ein Elefant ist.

 Vertriebsbeauftragte jagen keine Elefanten. Statt dessen verbringen sie
 die Zeit damit, Elefanten zu verkaufen, die sie nicht gefangen haben, und
 versprechen Liefertermine, die mindestens zwei Tage vor Eroe6ffnung der
 Jagdsaison liegen.

 Software-Vertriebsbeauftragte verschicken das erste Tier, das sie fangen
 per UPS und schreiben eine Rechnung ueber einen Elefanten.

 Hardware-Vertriebsbeauftragte fangen Kaninchen, malen sie grau an und
 verkaufen Sie als Schreibtisch-Elefanten.

 Wenn Betriebssysteme eine Airline betreiben wurden ... unfortunately only
							in German :-(

 (von Paul Giangarra, OS/2-Chefentwickler, abgedruckt in "Inside OS/2" 5/94)

 DOS Airlines:
 Alle schieben das Flugzeug an, bis es abhebt. Dann springen alle
 auf und lassen das Flugzeug trudeln, bis es wieder auf
 dem Boden aufschlagt. Dann schieben wieder alle an, springen auf

 Mac Airlines:
 Alle Stewards, Stewardessen, Piloten, Gepacktrager und
 Ticketverkaufer sehen gleich aus, bewegen sich gleich und
 sagen das Gleiche. Wenn man nach Details fragt, bekommt man immer
 die gleiche Antwort: das musse man nicht wissen,
 wolle es auch nicht wissen, und alles laufe schon richtig. Man
 solle also lieber gleich still sein.

 Windows Airlines:
 Das Flughafenterminal ist schoen bunt, die Stewards und
 Stewardessen freundlich. Man gelangt ohne Probleme an Bord,
 ein reibungsloser Start... Ploetzlich sturzt das Flugzeug ohne
 jegliche Vorwarnung ab.

 OS/2 Airlines:
 Um an Bord des Flugzeugs zu kommen, muss man sein Ticket zehnmal
 stempeln lassen und in zehn verschiedenen
 Schlangen anstehen. Dann fullt man ein Formular aus, in dem man
 angeben mus, wo man sitzen mochte und ob der
 Sitzplatz wie in einem Schiff, einem Bus oder einem Zug aussehen
 soll. Wenn es einem gelingt, an Bord zu kommen, und
 wenn das Flugzeug tatsachlich vom Boden abhebt, hat man einen
 wunderbaren Flug... - au=DFer wenn die Hohen- und
 Seitenruder einfrieren. In diesem Fall hat man jedoch immer noch
 genugend Zeit, sich auf den Absturz vorzubereiten.

 Unix Airlines:
 Jedermann bringt ein Stueck des Flugzeugs zum Flughafen mit. Alle
 gehen auf die Startbahn und setzen das Flugzeug
 Stueck fur Stueck zusammen. Dabei diskutieren sie fortwahrend, welche
 Art von Flugzeug sie gerade zusammenbauen.

 VMS Airlines:
 Megacarrier mit weltweiter Ju52-Flotte. Passagiere streiken zur
 Zeit gegen Umstellung auf moderneres Fluggerat.
 Spezialisiert auf Formationsflug in kleinen Gruppen mit
 spektakularen Crashmoeglichkeiten.

 NT Airlines:
 Alle gehen auf die Startbahn, sagen im Chor das Passwort und bilden
 die Umrisse eines Flugzeugs. Dann setzen sich alle
 auf den Boden und geben Gerausche von sich, als wurden sie wirklich

"Ich erkann ieu niht beschiden waz sider da geschach
 daz rider unde fruiwen weinen man da sach
 dazua die edlen knehte um lieber fruinde tot
 hie hat das Maer ein ende - daz war der Niebelungen not"
				-- das Niebelungenlied

He who sups with the devil 
should have a long spoon
		-- proverb

The journy of a thousand miles begins with a single step
		-- Chinese proverb

The smart eagle does not show his talons
		-- Chinese proverb

And all the future lies beneath your hat
		-- John Oldham

The History of Computers

In the early 1980s most major computer manufacturers agreed to stop forcing
people to learn a bunch of different operating systems, and instead adopted
a single, uniform, standardized operating system so absurdly non-intuitive
that nobody could learn it.  This system was called MS-DOS.

The MS, of course, stood for Microsoft, the company that was started by the
brilliant software genius Bill Gates. Gates is a very rich man today --
Forbes magazine estimates that he's worth more than the entire O.J.Simpson
defense team combined -- and do you want to know why?  The answer is one
word: versions.

To understand what I mean by versions, let's consider an analogy involving
cars.  Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you notice that, although
it does move, it goes very slowly, is extremely hard to steer, and makes a
loud scraping sound.  You study this problem for a while, and you conclude that
the most likely cause is that the car does not have any front wheels. So
you mention this to the salesperson, and he tells you that you have Version
1.0 of the car, but that Version 1.1 will be out shortly, and it will feature
wheels in front as well as back.  So when Version 1.1 comes out, you upgrade, 
which means you pay money.  But you're happy, because now you have a car with 
a complete set of wheels, and you're totally satisfied with it from  the moment 
that you pull out of the dealer's lot to the moment, about 90 seconds later, 
when you drive into a public fountain.  This is when you find out that brakes 
are not scheduled to appear until Version 1.3.

This is very much the way MS-DOS worked. The original version, 1.0, did
virtually nothing except cause the computer screen to say:
That was it. Really.  Ask anybody who used MS-DOS computers back  then.
You'd turn them on, and there'd be this A: staring back at you.  What did
it mean?  Why A:?   Why not some other letter, or even an actual word?  And
what was the little pointy thing for?  We will never know the answer. It's one
of the many mysteries of MS-DOS.

So, anyway, people would turn on their computers, and stare at the A: for
awhile, scratching their heads, and then finally they'd try typing
something after the A: , perhaps something like:


But here was the crucial thing about MS-DOS Version 1.0:  No matter what
typed in, it would respond as follows:
Then, with no further explanation, it would go back to:

There were rumors -- never verified -- that if you typed in certain secret
code words, you could get some response other than A:  or BAD COMMAND OR
FILE NAME, but if there were such code words, only Bill Gates ever knew what
they were. So mainly what this version of the MS-DOS was used for -- millions of
person- hours were spent on this -- was trying to get it to do something,
anything.  If you were to travel back in time and look at the average
person's computer screen during that era, you'd see what looked like a
conversation between the computer user and an unusually hostile employee
of the Department of Motor Vehicles:

  A:  HELP
  A: **** YOU

This was pretty much all people did with MS-DOS Version 1.0.  So you can
imagine how excited everybody was when Microsoft came out with Version 1.1,
which had a whole new capability.  In addition to doing this:
  It would sometimes also do this:
A new letter!  This was very, very exciting news for those of us in the
computer geek world.  We all immediately upgraded to Version 1.1.  Of
course, no matter what we typed, it still answered  BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME.  
But we felt renewed hope. Over the next few years, Microsoft continued to come 
out with new improved, versions of MS-DOS, featuring a constantly expanding
repertoire of incomprehensible and/or scary screen messages, including:


And just about everybody's all-time favorite:

We loyal Microgeeks faithfully upgraded every time a new version came out,
until finally, somewhere around Version 3.7, we had reached the point where
we could use MS-DOS to actually run programs on our computers, and Bill
Gates had reached the point where he had approximately 217 personal jet
airplanes. I should point out that, while all this [MS-DOS masochism] was going 
on, there was another kind of computer developing, in a parallel universe. This
was the Apple, and it operated on an entirely different concept, which was:
A regular human could use it.  You simply turned it on, and immediately, just
like that, you could do stuff with it.  It had little pictures on the
screen, and a little mouse that made a pointer move to the picture you wanted; 
even a child could understand this.  For many years, while we MS-DOS people were
typing insanely obscure instructions like:

  dir c:\abcproj\docs\lttrs\sales\apr\*.*

The Apple people were simply aiming their little mouse pointers at little
pictures and going click. In short, the Apple was far easier to use.  So
the vast majority of us serious computer users rejected it.  As I noted in the
introduction, the main reason we have computers is so we can be tormented by
them. We don't want some wussy user-friendly computer:  We want a challenge.

 That's why, to this very day, Apple is not considered by us cyberwonks to
be a truly serious computer.  It is viewed as a computer that is popular
mainly with your flaky or artsy-fartsy type of individual --your artist, your
poet, your beatnik, your flower-arranger, your heroin addict, your Barry Manilow.
We serious users pride ourselves on wrestling with openly hostile computers
that are running on an operating system from the proud, incomprehensible
Microsoft tradition.  That operating system, of course, is Windows.  As I
write these words, the computer world is still reverberating with the excitement 
surrounding the introduction of Windows 95, which replaced Windows Version 3.11, 
which replaced Windows 3.1, which replaced Windows Version 3.0, and so on 
backward to the original Windows Version 1.0, which did nothing except put a 
colorful Windows logo on the screen along with a message that said OUT OF MEMORY.  
Windows 95 represented a major step forward in the sense that it was virtually 
nothing like any of the earlier Windows versions and nobody had any idea how to 
use it.  Naturally it was hugely popular.  Everybody wanted it; Microsoft was
getting bulk orders from rainforest-dwelling tribes that didn't even have
electricity.  Nevertheless, there are certain basic computer terms that you
need to try to familiarize yourself with, so that when you go to purchase a 
computer, you don't sound like just some random putz.  Instead, you'll sound like 
a specific putz who memorized some terms out of a book.


 This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on


 These are the PROGRAMS that you put on the HARD DRIVE by sticking them
through the little SLOT. The function of the software is to give instructions
to the CPU, which is a set of three initials inside the computer that rapidly
processes billions of tiny facts, called BYTES, and within a fraction of a
second sends you an ERROR MESSAGE that requires you to call the CUSTOMER

SUPPORT HOTLINE and be placed on HOLD for approximately the life span of a 
CARIBOU. Software is usually accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat 
scary MANUALS that nobody ever reads.  In fact, for the past five years most of 
the "manuals" shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen 
King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on.

 This is a really, really big hertz.

 This is a shorthand way of referring to "ROM."  The unit of measurement
for RAM is the "MEG," which stands for a certain amount of RAM." The function
of RAM is to give guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, 
most tumescent MEMORY.  This is important, because with today's complex software, 
the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.  So the 
bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM. BILL GATES currently 
has over 743 billion "megs" of RAM, and he still routinely feels the need to stuff 

You should use the preceding terms whenever you have to "interface" with
computer experts.  For example, if you're purchasing a new  computer, you
want to use as many of these terms as possible, so that  store personnel
will realize that they're dealing with a person who has a high level of
technical expertise:

 STORE PERSONNEL: May I help you?

 YOU: I'm looking for a "hard drive" with plenty of "RAM" in the "megahertz."

 STORE PERSONNEL: You want the computer store next door. This is a supermarket.

 YOU: Let me see your "zucchini."

Heaven's Gates

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being
sized up by St. Peter.  "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call;
I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you
enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost  every home in 
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do 
something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide 
where you want to go."  Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between 
the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, 
if it will help your decision."  "Fine, but where should I go first?"  "I'll 
leave that up to you."  "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So
Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters
and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing
and frolicking about.  The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was 
very pleased.  "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY  
want to see heaven!"  "Fine said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a 
place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. 
It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.  Bill thought for a quick minute, 
and rendered his decision. "Hmmm.  I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.  
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.  Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on
the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he 
found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst  hot flames in dark caves, 
being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.  
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This 
is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I  visited two weeks ago!  I can't 
believe this is happening! What  happened to that other place, with the beautiful 
beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"   

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Getting things into Perspective

If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 
100 people.

With all existing human ratios remaining the same, the world would 
look like this:

There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere 
(North and South) and 8 Africans.

 *    51 would be female; 49 would be male

 *    70 would be non-white; 30 white.

 *    70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian.

 *    50% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6
      people and all 6 would be citizens of the United States.

 *    70 would live in substandard housing.

 *    70 would be unable to read.

 *    50% would suffer from malnutrition.

 *    1 would be near death, 1 would be near birth

 *    Only 1 would have a college education.


      No one would own a computer (percentage still too small to translate)

"God doesn't play dice"	
		-- A.Einstein

"God not only does play dice, 
but he sometimes throws them 
to where they can't be seen" 
		-- S.Hawking.

10 Disgusting Things Irish Traditional Flute Players Do

 This was pulled from the IRTRAD-L mailing list on Dec 15, 1993 where 
 Gavin Burnage (gburnage@natcorp.ox.ac.uk) posted it. 

 1.Eat crisps immediately before playing, subsequently splattering those 
   nearby with bits of chewed soggy potato. 
 2.Blow hard down the flute at irregular but frequent intervals so that 
   the accumulated wet gunge goes on people's shoes (or earholes or other 
   orifices, depending on the angle of the flute). 
 3.While playing, hold the end of the flute over people's pints of beer 
   and cups of tea so the wet gunge drips slowly into the glass or cup as 
   playing progresses. (Best done to other players' drinks, as they don't 
   notice till it's too late.) 
 4.Between tunes, bounce the end of the flute gently on the knee so that 
   the gunge runs out and leaves a soggy wet patch on their trounsers. 
 5.Insult fiddle players for playing tunes with notes lower than bottom 
   D or C in ' (not disgusting unless you're a fiddle player). 
 6.Insert a peanut at the embouchure of the flute, close all holes, point 
   flute at nearby dog or other pet as available, then blow hard. A successful 
   strike on the dog/pet often depends on the blood/alcohol level of the 
   flute player. Flute players with Low C# and C keys are reccomended to 
   close those keys for that little extra accuracy and a slight but 
   satisfying "zing". 
 7.As 6, except flute player mimes tune-playing for a few minutes after 
   inserting the peanut. Then the aim can be at, say, a fiddle player doing 
   tunes with too many low notes.
   After blowing, resume the mime/play position immediately so the fiddle 
   player hasn't a clue where the attack came from. Repeat as necessary. 
 8.Try to rob drink from bars by pretending flute is the barrel of an 
   antique gun and pointing it at bar staff (seldom succesful). 
 9.Use cork grease for . 
 10.Regularly smear flute with rancid oil (preferably oil from a tin of 
    sardines past its use-by date) This also enhances the level of 
    disgustingness acheived under items 2, 3, and 4. 

 Here it is ! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version
 The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates
 related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes.  Please send 
 them to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.
 1. Novice-Question: How do I recognize Windows? 
 If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able
 to understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if 
 your hard-disk is full,  if you can't start your normal programs anymore, 
 then indeed you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft 

 2. Virgin-Questions: What exactly is Windows ? Why do I need Windows?
 Windows is a form of modern warfare.  It's yet another attempt of the
 electronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting
 And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you
 to buy it to get even more rich and hateful.  Rumours that the Windows
 project was originally launched by  psychiatrists to provide them  with 
 a constant source of new patients have not been confirmed yet.
 3. McAfee-Question: Is Windows a virus? 
 No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
  1) They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
  2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
     as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
  3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
     Windows does that too.
  4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
     valuable programs and systems.  Sigh... Windows does that, too.
  5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
     too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.  Yup, that's
     with Windows, too.
 Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
 Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems,
 their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become
 more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.
 4. Lamer-Question: Are there any cheats for Windows? 
 Repeated pressing of ALT-F4 RETURN  is said to enhance the quality of the
 working atmosphere. The same effect can be achieved by pressing the reset
 button of your computer.
 5. Critics-Question: Why is Windows as bad as it is? 
 If Windows were bug-free, fast, easy-to-use, compatible, openly
 structured, cheap and efficient, in other words if Windows were a good
 operating system, there would be no need for Microsofts daily updates 
 (also called bug-changes) with which they trick the money out of their
 customers pockets into their own.
 Also, such an operating system would not come from Microsoft, it would
 come from real programmers.
 6. Nintendo-Mutant-Question: Is Windows a game ? Do I need a joystick? 
 Yes, Windows is a game ! It has all the characteristics of a game : It
 has color graphics, sound, there is movement on the screen and the user 
 has to press keys or use the mouse to play it. It's difficult to solve 
 Windows or even  Windows NT,  but there are quick-guides or,  for the
 inexperienced, complete step-by-step walk-throughs (see also Lamer-
 Question). There is no need for a joystick as Windows supports both 
 keyboard, mouse and telepathy (think of a system crash and you get one).
 7. Programmer-Question: Are there any standards for Windows programming? 
 Of course there are. More than you can count.  In fact, the wonderful 
 thing about Windows programming specifications  is that there are so many 
 you can choose from and that they change from version to version. Not to 
 forget the fact that no other program running under Windows makes use of 
 All in all there's only  one thing you need to know:
 Real Programmers don't use Windows.
 8. Sceptics-Question: Is this text making any sense at all? 
 As this text is about Windows, it cannot have any sense. It's a stupid
 text about a stupid would-be-program.  It's kept close to the 
 characteristics of its subject : It's funny, senseless, useless, and time 
 and space consuming.
 9. Version-Question: What's the newest version of Windows? 
 "Kairo" and "Chicago" are out of date. After first test runs, Microsoft
 decided to rename their projects to the more appropiate titles "Titanic"
 and "Hindenburg". The alternative set of names "Atlantis" and 
 "Tschernobyl" has been discarded. Rumours of other project names like 
 "L.A.", "New York", "Irkutsk", "Chongqing", "Uppsala", "Claudia 
 Schiffer", "Micky Maus",  "Buy Me", "Schoppe" or "Extended Error 17" 
 have been discarded.
 10. Utility-Question: Is there a tool that takes care of Windows? 
 Yes !  Look out for the new V4.2 release of KillWin,  available at all
 well stocked computer stores and mailboxes. KillWin V4.2 feature
 auto-detection of Windows on all drives and four modes of operation 
 combined with optional full  purging and packing. Average savings of hard 
 disk space exceed more than 20 MByte,  average working speed is increased
 dramatically and user happiness is made possible.
  11. Defender-Question: How can I protect my system against Windows? 
 The easiest way is to make McAfee's Scan recognize it. To do this, 
 create a file (e.g. "winvirus.txt") with the following content:
 #The two-faced sinister Windows Virus
 "e87928bbf6048be3", Microsoft (R) Windows
 (Don't forget the return at the end of the last line !)
 To check your programs for viruses, start Scan like this :
 Note that if the file is not in the current directory, the full path 
 name must be specified, e.g. 
 scan /ext j:\dos\tools\virus\scan\ext\winvirus.txt
 99. Bill Gates-Question: Are you nuts? 
 Yes of course, Windows made us so. 

 Some men see things and ask:"Why"
 I dream of things and ask:"Why not"
                    	-- Robert Kennedy ... and my vision

When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, 
fraud will result.
                                        -- Herman Gross

        Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff 
	in your brand new Mercedes.

He who slings mud often loses ground.
                                        -- Adlai Stevenson

Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

Reality is a crutch.

Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

AIDS is Nature's way of telling you to stop buggering about.

Balzer's Law:
        Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

Religion...is the opium of the people.
        -- Karl Marx

Peace, n.:
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Button: If a program is useful, it must be changed 
	-- If it's useless, it must be documented.

NON-COMBATANT, n.  A dead Quaker.
        -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

'Experience and treachery will always beat youth and skill.'
  - Unknown

I am only an average man but, by George, I work harder at it than the
 average man.
                                 -- Theodore Roosevelt

            A part of a computer's processor that holds
            information for a while.  Number of registers in
            a given system is N-3 where N is the number
            needed to efficiently implement a function.

'I was in the darkness;
I could not see my words
Nor the wishes of my heart.
Then suddenly there was a great light -
"Let me into the darkness again."'
  - Stephan Crane

    In a world that was totally objective and fair, size should make 
no difference in the worth of any individual or creature. But, then 
again, wizards should not have to work for a living, either.
                                -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXIX

First learn computer science and all the theory.
Next develop a programming style. Then forget all
that and just hack.
-- George Carrette [1990]

That life is long which answers life's great end.
                                        -- Young

A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.

One of the world's worst questions:  Will you promise not to get mad if
 I ask you something?
                                 -- Jane Goodsell

"I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
 wall that didn't do anything.  So anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
 flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down.  Then one day
 I got a letter from a woman in Germany.  It just said, 'Cut it out.'"
                                                -- Steve Wright

Reality?  That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top 
of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of 
cheese?  They probably break down into their various gases before they 
even hit.
		        -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL]

To search for perfection is all very well,
 But to look for heaven is to live here in hell.

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice
my wife's brother.
        -- Artemus Ward (1834-1867)

Doubters do not achieve; skeptics do not contribute; cynics do not create.

1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.

Magicians do it with mirrors!

You are sick, twisted and perverted.
 I like that in a person.

"Optimization is not some mystical state of grace, it is an intricate act
 of human labor which carries real costs and real risks."
 					-- Tom Neff

"How young can you die of old age?"
                                -- Steven Wright

The moment you forecast, you know you're going to be wrong, you just don't
know when and in which direction.
                                        -- Edgar R. Fiedler

    Contract programming house for IBM, and primary sustainer of the clone
    market. IBM pays MS to write fancy software, then MS tweaks it a
    little, slaps the MS logo on it, and sells it to all the clone folks
    so they can keep competing with IBM. There is no truth to the rumour
    that former Mafioso procure the IBM contracts for MS. All products are
    given generic names (Word, Project, Works, Windows, etc.) to (a)
    confuse everybody unless (b) the name "Microsoft" is constantly
    repeated. Made the founder $300,000,000+ in one day.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour, tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it
being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents home and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still in deep prayer with
his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head still down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so
religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father
was a pharmacist!"

"I am chaos. I am the substance from which your artists and scientists 
 build rhythms. I am the spirit with which your children and clowns 
 laugh in happy anarchy. I am chaos. I am alive, and tell you that you 
 are free"
                                - Eris, Goddess Of Chaos, Discord & Confusion

Imagine if your computer produced 
error messages in Haiku:

  - - - - - - - - - - - -
  A file that big?
  It might be very useful.
  But now it is gone.
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  Chaos reigns within.
  Reflect, repent, and reboot.
  Order shall return.
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  Wind catches lily
  scatt'ring petals to the wind:
  segmentation fault
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  ABORTED effort:
  Close all that you have.
  You ask way too much.
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  First snow, then silence.
  This thousand dollar screen dies
  so beautifully.
  - - - - - - - - - - - -
  With searching comes loss
  and the presence of absence:
  "My Novel" not found.
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  The Tao that is seen
  Is not the true Tao, until
  You bring fresh toner.
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  The Web site you seek
  cannot be located but
  endless others exist
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  Stay the patient course
  Of little worth is your ire
  The network is down
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  A crash reduces
  your expensive computer
  to a simple stone.
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  Yesterday it worked
  Today it is not working
  Windows is like that
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  To have no errors
  Would be life without meaning
  No struggle, no joy
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  You step in the stream,
  but the water has moved on.
  This page is not here.
   - - - - - - - - - - - -
  Out of memory.
  We wish to hold the whole sky,
  But we never will.
   - - - - - - - - - - - -

Not drunk is he who from the floor has the power 
	to rise and still drink more,
but drunk is he who prostrate lies with neither 
	power to drink nor rise.

Candy is dandy but, Liquer is quicker.

The definition of a dram:
	"An indeterminate Scottish measure."
An update on the definition of a dram: 
	"A generous but indeterminate Scottish measure 
	of the finest alcoholic drink in the world
	..... whisky"

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me 
	than a frontal lobbotomy

A man was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are
and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire
week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and
returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want." Again
the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his
Finally, the frogge asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

a bit prejudicing on nationalities and a bit near 
the knuckles, still funny....  ;-)

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where 
the following people are stranded:
        2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
        2 French men and 1 French woman
        2 German men and 1 German woman
        2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
        2 English men and 1 English woman
        2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 
        2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
        2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 
        2 Kiwi men and 1 Kiwi woman
        2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of 

        The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

        The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily
	together in a "menage a trois"

        The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
	alternate with the German woman

        The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek 
	woman is cleaning and cooking for them

        The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them 
	to the English woman

        The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one 
	look at the woman and started swimming.

        The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of 
	suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body 
	being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least 
	it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

        The Australians are all wankers, so who cares?

        The two Kiwi men start searching the island for sheep while the 
        woman gets friendly with a big banana she's found.

        The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside 
	and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in 
        the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few
	litres of coconut-whiskey, but happily, at least they know the 
	English aren't getting any...


"... you bet!"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one 
day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she 
must speak with the president of the bank to open a 
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally 
ushered her into the president's office (the customer 
is always right!). The bank president then asked her 
how much she would like to deposit. She replied, 
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto 
his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came 
by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised 
you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get 
this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." 
The president then asked, "Bets?
What kind of bets?"
The old woman said,"Well, for example, I'll bet 
you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. 
You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to 
take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that 
my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there 
is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with 
me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the 
bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking 
his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that 
there was absolutely no way his balls were square and 
that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little 
old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's 
office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and 
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady 
asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The 
president complied. The little old lady peered closely at 
his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of 
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging 
his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the 
matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that
at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's 
balls in my hand."

"Dear Agony Auntie,
  I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb 
of Seatown, and one my sisters who lives in Palmerston is married to
an Australian. My parents were recently arrested for growing and selling
marijuana, and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who
are prostitutes in Auckland
  I have two brothers, one currently in Mt.Eden Prison for the rape and
murder of a teen age boy in 1994. The other is being held in the 
Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
And I have recently gotten engaged to a Thai prostitute who lives in
Christchurch. Indeed, she's still a working girl, but her brothel time
is limited since she recently contracted an STD. My fiancee and I plan
to open our own brothel, using her working knowledge of the industry
as working manager. We hope to get my sisters to join the team.
  My problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
'into the family. Of course I want to be totally honest with her...
Should I tell her about my brother in law being employed by Microsoft?"
	--- an anonymous reader

An apple a day keeps intel away.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.  These 
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing 
and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the 

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and 
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but 
only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely 
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a 
large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the 
circumstances" they explained.  "Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I 
could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're 
definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  "We must 
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", 
they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting 
in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went 
in the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, 
I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the 
right man for the job."  "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it 
Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the 
same gun.  "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter 
what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your 
husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all 
the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 
13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  This went 
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat 
from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with 
blanks!  I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial
revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?


You hit them together?


What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn
Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia? 
A: One of them is organized!

Q: What do you call someone in the Clinton White House who is 
honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? 
A: A tourist.

MicroSoft saves Enterprice from Borgs

Picard:	"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at 
	finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been 
	able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi:	"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through 
	our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled:	"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer:	"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, 
			for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg
 			command pathways. Once inside their root command 
			unit, it will begin consuming system resources at 
			an unstoppable rate."

Picard:	"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
 	processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data:	"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new 
	version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources 
	increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be 
	able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing 
	ability will be taken over and none will be available for their 
	normal operational functions."

Picard:	"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable 
	geometric shape' idea."

 . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data:	"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the 
	command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
 	resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the 
	expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi:	"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
	capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 
	'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard:	"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is 
	something we have missed."

Data:	"Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
	Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
 	sending in their registration cards.

Riker:	"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
 	escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited: "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has 
	suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard:	"Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data:	"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module 
	named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard:	"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their

 . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker:	"Geordi what’s the status on the Borg?"

Geordi:	"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
 	increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
 	increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor 
	beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the
	'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard:	"How much time will that buy us ?"

Data:	"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time 
	span of 6 more hours."

Geordi:	"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard:	"Identify."

Data:	"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Data:	"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
	thousands of humanoid 	shaped objects."

Picard:	"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker:	"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the 
	Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the 
	tortures of deep space ?!"

Data:	"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer 
	I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized 
	by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and 
	wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"

Geordi:	"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling 
	into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data:	"True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker:	"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all 
	types of papers."

Data:	"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it 
	often proves fatal."

Riker:	"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard:	"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the 
	Borg deserve that."


YESTERDAY is but a dream.
TOMORROW is only a vision.
But TODAY well lived
Makes every YESTERDAY a drea o happiness,
And every TOMORROW a vision of hope.

it is by chance we met, by choce we became friends

if a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
					- a networker's poem

A LINUX's prayer
Father Torvalds, who art on the 'Net,
hallowed be thy named;
thy Penguin come;
thy will be done,
at home as it is on the LAN.
Give us this day our daily kernel;
and protect us from coredumps
as we protect others from GPF's;
and lead us not into Windows,
but deliver us from Microsoft;
for Linux is the power and the stability forever, Amen.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 't is nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep:
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,--'t is a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there 's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there 's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels 13 bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. 

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life 's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

                  -- William Shakespear

Ask an Idian he will replay
     it is the Ganges.

Ask an Egyptian he will say
     it is the Nil.

Ask a Chinees he will claim
     it is the Yang Tse.

Ask a Janomami he will explain
     it is the Amazonas.

Ask a Scottsman he will smile
     and fill his glas with it

... ask about the "wather of live".

"You come 
    from nothing
 and you are going back 
    to nothing
 so what have you lost
    ... nothing!"
		-- Monty Pyton

Life ... 
you can't take it
	with you 
so you might as well 
	dink it!
		-- Slante!

Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is
not the  only thing in life!!
          -- Anonymous

Bachelors should be heavily
taxed. It is not fair that
some men
should be happier than others.
          -- Oscar Wilde

I don't worry about terrorism.  I
was married for two
          --Sam Kinison

It's not true that married men
live longer than single
men. It only seems longer.

A psychiatrist is a person who
will give you expensive
answers that your wife will give you for free.

Bachelors know more about women
than married men; if they
didn't, they'd be married too.
              --H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than
women; for one thing, they
later; for another thing, they die
              --H. L. Mencken

"Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk
down the street bald and still think they are

Marriage is a three ring circus:
	- engagement ring
	- wedding ring
	- suffering

When a newly married couple
smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles,
everyone wonders why.

A successful man is one who makes
more money than his  wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who
can find such a man.

Love is blind but marriage is an

The most effective way to
remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

When a man opens the door of his
car for his wife, you
can be sure of one thing: either the car is
new or the wife.

When a man is single, he's
incomplete. When he's married,
he's finished

"Who is Plato? - he can't be relevant since
 he hasn't published a paper within the last five years."
			-- Sigi Reich

Individual reproduction quota: 
"Two in - two out"

Sitting on a park banch ...
she: "Put away the bottle - the police is coming"
he:  "They are gone"
she: "Than take out the cork!"

Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.

In a world without fences
how needs Gates

If time would be homogeneous linearly distributed 
events would occure evenly distributed over time.
But if there is an event p there will always be
another event q to occure at the same time.  
Therefor time cannot be homogeneous linearly distributed.
Practical evidence: 
You always get invited to the party of your life 
if have already commited yourself to a other boring one. 

Livet sugar - pa fel stället
		-- Elpida
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
- those who manage what they do not understand
- and those who understand what they do not manage.

Om jag ska dö så ska ja dö med samman
för ja har inten lust att åldras och blir gamalt.

"God. Root. What is the difference?" 
				-- Pitr, User Friendly

p_o_e  (2000-MAR-07)

URL: http://www.schwinger.at/fun.html | last updated: Tuesday, 11-Mar-2008 09:06:00 CET by Wieland Schwinger